Sitting here this morning, looking out the window at the rainy day, sunshine trying to poke thru the clouds like the hope that is trying to break out of my heart from the pure despair I feel.
How is it that you can have such hope and joy one minutes then a fleeting thought, glimpse or phone call the next that can totally knock your view of reality for a loop. Between phone calls with Doctors, the realtor and trying to find insurance for myself if I’m not able to go back to work is taking a toll on me today. What happens if my job can’t find something for me to do in this sorted mental state that I’m in? What if the Doctors can’t figure it out? What if I’m just like this now for ever? I know there are so many folks that are much worse off than what I’ve been going thru this last month, however, my dilemma is that if this mental state is only partial then no one sees this as debilitating which is good, but at the same time employers can see this as a severe issue. How does this affect our ability to live and pay bills? To help our daughter and the grandsons. Sigh.
Think good thoughts, think positive !!!!
So I find myself sitting here still in my pj’s with no shower or even having brushed my teeth yet contemplating my life at 11:26am.
I start to think back to my childhood when things were so much easier, well you don’t think so then, but now…. oh how I wish I was back in Lynnwood living with my mom and dad. Elementary school is almost done and all I can do is look at the clock and countdown until the bell rings and I can run home and change my clothes then across the street to jump on my pony.
My friends and I from down the street are going to meet up in my horse pasture as it’s so much bigger and we have the huge ditch that runs across this grassy wide open space, we can jump our ponies over !! That is so much fun!! I change my clothes and run over to the house across the street. The white house which I hardly ever remember going into, I don’t even remember what the people look like, however I know the shed and where my horse stuff is all to well, I have to be very careful though not to step in that certain place or I could fall deep into that well and drown to never be seen again. I hate that thing, it scares me.
So do I even Halter up Molly today? or saddle? or do I just go jump on her and ride? Yep, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I love to ride free, I don’t like to saddle her up and I know she doesn’t like it either, it’s way to hard to cinch her up tight and if I don’t do it right then like last time I’ll try to climb up and the entire saddle and me will end up underneath her with me on the ground. I know mom is home, she is always home being our PTA mom and all, but I hate asking her and she always gets worried I’m going to get hurt. She really doesn’t mind though when she knows my girlfriends are here with their ponies to and we’re just hanging out as all she has to do it peek out the front window and were in full view.
I wish they would hurry up anyhow, well I’m going to get on Molly and ride around. She always just comes up to me when I walk into the pasture, I’m never afraid of her or any of the other many horses that live here, it’s my get away place, it’s my sanctuary, I love her pure blackness and sweet manner. I grab her main and jump on her back. I don’t even like to walk I just want her to gallop and go, to feel the wind is awesome and feel free. No reins, no halter, no saddle just riding around this huge ginormous pasture is all I love to do! Sometimes I ride with my arms out wide, I think I’m pretty good :-), for a 4th grader anyhow.
Here come the girls, it’s about time, okay Molly let’s go meet them at the gate. Whoa Whoa , shoot Molly the gates not open stop! Molly STOP Whoa!!!!!
Are you sure were not hurt? How did we get from inside the pasture to the outside thru the barbed wire fence without even a scratch? Really, were not hurt? Are you girls sure? I’m fine but Molly? no cuts? Wow… don’t tell my mom K?
I really love these girls they are so fun, okay I’ll saddle up we can go to her house this time and see how many time we can get bucked off the crazy pony. Where did you guys get all these ponies anyway? There must be at least 10 of them and you guys never ride them, you just let them all run free through your muddy wooded trails. Okay I’m going to put Molly in the barn and then we can start jumping on these guys, I got bucked off 3 times the other day, see if you can beat that ! Go lol Go hahahahaaa slap her butt, she’ll buck harder !!! okay 1 for each of you. I better get back home, it’s almost dinner time. Molly and I will see you tomorrow. What should we do? Back here or next door? Okay I’ll meet you back here after school, no I don’t like get butted by the Goat, he’s to big and it hurts last time he threw me to far and I skinned both my knees thru my jeans. He’s just plain mean.