Some days I wonder, seriously, I sit and ponder at times. Can this really be happening to my family, myself or my beloved friends? Did I have another stroke and run off the road and I’m in a coma? Did my transplant medication mixed with my drink last night put me over the edge and I’m just dreaming?
There are many days that I feel like this. The last few months or so I feel like I am in a dense fog that I cannot break free from, no matter what I do or try to do I just cant shake the feeling. Am I just getting older and my brain needs more exercise than I’ve been giving it? Or is something really wrong…. or is it really just my perspective changing over time.
I work every day, I am around a lot of different people, I vanpool with 4 other women so we are not lacking conversation there :-). I am not shy to start conversations with anyone I meet, elevator, grocery store, sidewalk, you name it. The weekends are full of shopping, errands, friends, grandsons, our daughters and the bar. I interact online with folks, I’ve even joined the Brain Games online to keep my mind working in different ways and hopefully functioning 🙂
I’ve just had quite a few tests from my stroke in October and they did confirm (counter to some beliefs) that there is a brain in there that is working. I keep thinking back to my grandma who I remember vividly, I remember spending time with her on the backyard swing set, and sitting in her kitchen in West Seattle staring up at the round tube like circular lights, they looked so cool, I’d never seen any like it before, I’d stare in awe at my grandpa’s bronze horse statues that lined the tops of the cabinets. She would scoot up close to me on the wrap around bench seat and bring out our special treat “Cream Cheese” we would eat it with our fingers out of the package !! yummy, I still do that to this day. I don’t remember anything about my grandma after that time, I must have been about 4 or 5 I think. She passed away at age 59 in a home from Alzheimer’s. I miss her a lot at times and I worry that I to may have this horrible disease someday. After my stroke I had my Neurologist give me the canned test as a starting point to put my mind at ease.
At times I think, did something happen to me and I’m now in a Coma, I don’t remember feeling or being this way all the time. What is a Coma like? can outside voices penetrate the subconscious? do you dream? do you feel pain and are unable to respond? do you see colors or is everything just like nothingness. Then I think what is nothingness? does your mind just stop functioning and it’s just like when your asleep with no dreams, no urges/no memories? A black hole? How mind boggling is that.
Am I really living and both the immense joys and tragic heartaches of my life are catching up to me? Both of our daughters struggles and disabilities, our grandsons turmoil with a life threatening disease and his brother with his own issues. What child at 8 years old should have to see his mother in the hospital continually with an illness that cannot be resolved and hurting with pain that will not go away. What 8 year old has to watch as his younger brother deteriorate while his father decides he only needs to be around one day a week, if that, because he cant take it. Ugh.
I will be 53 next week and I’m really not sure how to handle things any longer. Up until now I never let these things bother me. There was always a way around issues, I could just choose to let things go, I could go to my happy place, I would always find a solution or a way to make things better, we get new doctors, we go to a naturopath, we go to the park, I teach you to drive (well that never worked out lol), let’s get ice cream, let’s go shopping. I could make people happy, I could make them laugh out loud and smile. I truly believed that there is always another day to make things right and for another chance. That our Lord Jesus gave us that day and that chance. It does not seem to me that is working any longer. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel this way, I feel things have changed to a place that’s a bit scary now and I can never go back………..
The world is no longer a safe place for me, I continually look over my shoulder, I worry about my girls and my grandsons daily even if they are just going to school. I don’t feel safe driving us all places any longer with others on the road. I want to grab my hubby, our girls (all of them) and our grandson’s and run away somewhere. To a place with open fields, places to run or wheel (Dylan), a place where we can play board games and cowboys and Indians, we can build forts and stay out after dark, where we can turn up the music and sing at the tops of our lungs and laugh and laugh and laugh………a place where we can love each other, be loved and enjoy the rest of our lives as they were meant to be……